Wednesday, March 09, 2011

ME...............?



Me...........?
Although it has always been one of the most difficult questions for me but still I am trying to resolve it. I am still trying to find out what is ME? Who am I? A morally good son of my father. What else? What am I doing? I am doing business or in other words I am helping my father in his business. What else? Am I doing something good for myself?...............................Blank. Am I doing something for my future?.......................not sure... What is my identity?....................................Blank. Do I have some my own identity out of my father’s identity? ...............Not yet....Have I even tried to build my own identity?.................May be No....Am I happy?.............Well totally out of the question. Then why the hell I am doing something if I am not happy doing that? What do I really want to do? What do I really want to be? What is my basic instinct? Do I even have one? What I am today is really what I always wanted to be? Am I on the right track? I really don’t know. At one time, it seems to me that I am near perfect...but at the other time, it feels like I am nothing. I hate myself for this when I am always confused, flummoxed, bewildered....I hate myself when I always find myself in front of more than one option and unable to choose... I hate myself for my reluctant behaviour. I think that the toughest phase of your life is when you start struggling with yourself.....when you start questioning yourself.....when you really don’t want to prove yourself to the world but you......
Technology, machinery, computers, innovative thinking attracts me a lot....Precisely “how things are made” this very concept of thinking appeals me a lot...Now I think I should have become an engineer instead of businessman..Now is obviously not the time...I used to think earlier that to be a businessman was my basic instinct until today...but I was wrong, though I want to be...but the question is how can I know about my basic instincts? Do they keep on changing from time to time? During my struggle with myself to find out my basic instinct, what I could find out what was really not? I thought it was as easy as to find a girl not suitable for you than to find a girl who is perfect for you. Earlier I thought that was blogging, writing, reading etc...I never found myself interested in blogging or writing....I could never make up my mind set....I thought my mental level was never up to that mark....I never found myself suitable to write, read or blog.....although I tried but couldn’t pursue for long... Again I was wrong....Because these days I am enjoying like anything in blogging, reading and writing.....I can’t even explain how much refreshed I am feeling these days.....I mean I don’t have words to express my joy....But I found myself again confused.....Fuck man.....Oh Jesus, I don’t know what is really happening to me....Am I not wasting the golden period of my life....? My professor used to say to me that you can make your present as well as future only between 20 to 30 years of age...this very period makes the base for your future...And I am still wondering if I am going the right way.... I am feeling like shit...it frustrates me a lot...I want to cry....I want to get the hell out of these structures....I want to live like a free bird...I want to enjoy....I want to explore.....I want to be a clearheaded guy....
Someone very important in my life once said to me that everything happens late in my life....and that is true.....Now considering my present situation, if I want to fuck now then I can say that I’d be surely fucking a girl two months later or maybe six months later.....though everything happens late but it surely happens....What is my life...? Is it something more than a fucking procrastination machine....? Well, it can’t be just like that.....I still have to do something for my life.....
But there is one thing I could find out during my struggle with myself is what I always wanted to be? And now I can say that I always wanted to be a LEARNER....Yes, a learner at every stage of my life....And that’s what I am A NOVICE.....
Tears shed from my eyes a lot during writing this article......I don’t know why.....It’s may be because this is the first time I am not confused about myself.....If not exact, still a very clear picture of ME....

5 comments:

Sunil Aggarwal said...

Dear Laalli
This is the best ever piece of writing from you I have ever known. the sheer brilliance of honesty and clarity is something that is remarkable. For all young boys and girls of your age, this is the best reference point. You seem to have hit bull's eye in terms of self-awareness. I am happy for you. You seem to be a pragmatic philosopher of today. Keep writing and keep posting.

Pankaj Aggarwal said...

Dear Chachu
Thanks for your appreciation. i didn't know that you'd really like it a lot. even i never expected from myself if i'd ever be able to write such type of article. anyways thanks once again. keep motivating me because you are an inspirational boost for me....

mohit mittal said...

Dear Pankaj
Bhaiya has already said what I wanted to say. Brilliant. More than brilliant it's the most honest remark made by you since the time I have come to know you personally. I understand your confusion and pain. And honestly, on the contrary, your pain makes me feel happy for you. I always wanted you to undergo this kind of self-searching exercise. You seem to be doing extremely well. This is the best phase of your life. So remain confused. And enjoy your pain.
Bye.
Keep writing.

Pankaj Aggarwal said...

Dear Mohit
Thanks brother..I was waiting badly for your views abt the article....
bye...keep in touch...

Umesh Bawa said...

Pankaj,
You might be riddling hard in your life. Must continue in this way. One day you'd be someone, you want to conceive...
Keep writing..