ME...............?

Me...........?

Although it has always been one of the most difficult questions for me but still I am trying to resolve it. I am still trying to find out what is ME? Who am I? A morally good son of my father. What else? What am I doing? I am doing business or in other words I am helping my father in his business. What else? Am I doing something good for myself?...............................Blank. Am I doing something for my future?.......................not sure... What is my identity?....................................Blank. Do I have some my own identity out of my father’s identity? ...............Not yet....Have I even tried to build my own identity?.................May be No....Am I happy?.............Well totally out of the question. Then why the hell I am doing something if I am not happy doing that? What do I really want to do? What do I really want to be? What is my basic instinct? Do I even have one? What I am today is really what I always wanted to be? Am I on the right track? I really don’t know. At one time, it seems to me that I am near perfect...but at the other time, it feels like I am nothing. I hate myself for this when I am always confused, flummoxed, bewildered....I hate myself when I always find myself in front of more than one option and unable to choose... I hate myself for my reluctant behaviour. I think that the toughest phase of your life is when you start struggling with yourself.....when you start questioning yourself.....when you really don’t want to prove yourself to the world but you......

Technology, machinery, computers, innovative thinking attracts me a lot....Precisely “how things are made” this very concept of thinking appeals me a lot...Now I think I should have become an engineer instead of businessman..Now is obviously not the time...I used to think earlier that to be a businessman was my basic instinct until today...but I was wrong, though I want to be...but the question is how can I know about my basic instincts? Do they keep on changing from time to time? During my struggle with myself to find out my basic instinct, what I could find out what was really not? I thought it was as easy as to find a girl not suitable for you than to find a girl who is perfect for you. Earlier I thought that was blogging, writing, reading etc...I never found myself interested in blogging or writing....I could never make up my mind set....I thought my mental level was never up to that mark....I never found myself suitable to write, read or blog.....although I tried but couldn’t pursue for long... Again I was wrong....Because these days I am enjoying like anything in blogging, reading and writing.....I can’t even explain how much refreshed I am feeling these days.....I mean I don’t have words to express my joy....But I found myself again confused.....Fuck man.....Oh Jesus, I don’t know what is really happening to me....Am I not wasting the golden period of my life....? My professor used to say to me that you can make your present as well as future only between 20 to 30 years of age...this very period makes the base for your future...And I am still wondering if I am going the right way.... I am feeling like shit...it frustrates me a lot...I want to cry....I want to get the hell out of these structures....I want to live like a free bird...I want to enjoy....I want to explore.....I want to be a clearheaded guy....

Someone very important in my life once said to me that everything happens late in my life....and that is true.....Now considering my present situation, if I want to fuck now then I can say that I’d be surely fucking a girl two months later or maybe six months later.....though everything happens late but it surely happens....What is my life...? Is it something more than a fucking procrastination machine....? Well, it can’t be just like that.....I still have to do something for my life.....

But there is one thing I could find out during my struggle with myself is what I always wanted to be? And now I can say that I always wanted to be a LEARNER....Yes, a learner at every stage of my life....And that’s what I am A NOVICE.....

Tears shed from my eyes a lot during writing this article......I don’t know why.....It’s may be because this is the first time I am not confused about myself.....If not exact, still a very clear picture of ME....